7 ways to guarantee the failure of your music career

This might seem like a strange title for an article but so many people lately seem so intent on failing that I really feel the need to help them. After all, that’s what I do, right?

If you have no ambition to have a music career then you don’t need to read this, you are already achieving what you want. If you are easily offended then I wouldn’t read this either because I’m going to give it to you straight! You see I’m not happy with the whole music business at the moment. Everywhere you look it seems like doom and gloom doesn’t it? We hear daily about people stealing music, how hard it’s become to earn a dollar and how no-one wants to help. It’s all true right? Frankly I don’t know why we all just don’t give up and forget the whole thing.

Well, if we are going to fail, let’s fail properly. Let’s get it done quickly so we can go back to flipping burgers or making buggy whips. Let’s set a goal to fail spectacularly then we can all sit around the pub tonight moaning and knowing we were right all along. The music business is dead anyway, so don’t hold back. Get out there and fail now! Here’s how to ensure that you fail and fail quickly.

1. Insist that the music business is not like any other business in the world.
When people talk to you about crazy concepts like “planning” and “working towards a goal” or the most evil one of all “Marketing”, simply tell them this:
“You don’t understand, the music business is different… it’s CREATIVE. We don’t need no stinkin’ marketing, we are musicians!”

I know that every other business needs marketing and promotion and planning and cash flow forecasts and time-wasting crap like that but not us. We are musicians, we play music! We know that all we need to do is just write that killer song and the world will beat a path to our door. All we need to do is one more killer gig and that mysterious millionaire promoter listening up the back of the venue will come forward and give us all the cash we need to hit the big time.

2. Insist that everything on the internet should be free… oh except for your music.
We all know that everything on the internet should be free, right? Of course it should, it’s the internet, it’s always been free. If we want some great piece of software, we’ll look for freeware. If we need information, it’s all there in Wikipedia. If we can’t find what we want for free then we can always download stuff from scum-sucking capitalist bastard corporations then find a handy crack or serial from some helpful Russian site. Why should they charge us anyway? It’s the internet and it should be free!

The same goes for other Artists music. Most of them have “sold out to the man” and are a symptom of the rise of the neo-con cabals anyway, so we aren’t “stealing” their music are we? We are just sharing in what should be a valuable artistic gift to the world.

The exception to this is YOUR music of course. YOU should get paid for YOUR music because you worked hard on it. You actually sweated blood over your music, not like everyone else.

3. Never, ever outsource something you could do yourself, especially if they want money for their help.
Let’s face it… it can’t be that hard to make a website, right? Surely you’d be better off making one yourself wouldn’t you? You could get some nice spinning email images and some lovely stars that follow your mouse pointer. Really there’s no end to the creativity once you get rid of those so-called “professional” web designers. Or even better you could use a stylish free web service like Myspace that asks nothing in return, except for those very helpful ads and popups they plonk all over your site. People LIKE ads all over your site so this should help them to buy your music. What, you can’t sell your music on these free sites? No problem, that helps us to fail even quicker. Don’t ever spend money on this stuff. Just do it yourself and no-one will ever know the difference. After all, you made your own guitar didn’t you?

4. Never, ever, ever should you be willing to invest in yourself.
Spending your own time and money on your music career is for schmucks. You’ve bought an instrument and spent time learning it, isn’t that enough? If you wanted to spend your own money on a business you’d have bought a nice hot bread shop or an engraving booth wouldn’t you? Don’t ever fall for this trick of investing your own money into your career, it will be wasted.

What you need is some nice record label to magically come along and “discover” you. They will be only too happy to do all the work for you and shower you with cash. All you need to do is hang out in your bedroom playing music and eventually they’ll find you. All these idiots who talk about treating your music like a serious business are wrong. EVERYONE knows that all you have to do is wait. “Build it and they will come” is the right attitude.

Never try to build up your own following or fan base. Never set up newsletters or blogs for your fans. Never try to promote your gigs to get a bigger crowd. Someone will eventually come along and do all this for you, and how silly will you feel then if you’ve wasted your own time & money?

5. When someone gives you advice, tell them they are wrong.
Let’s face it, we all get a bit silly from time to time and sometimes we get silly enough to ask for advice. If you ever find yourself giving in to temptation you can instantly redeem yourself by arguing with them. What do they know anyway? The problem is that they simply don’t understand how unique you and your situation are. No matter what people tell you, you are different and no-one understands you. Stick with that and it will serve you well.

Even worse than people who give advice for free are those who charge for it. They are just trying to rip you off. Never ever pay for advice no matter who it’s from. Don’t worry about that whole “you get what you pay for” crap. It’s a myth.

6. When things get hard, stop.
Music should be fun, not hard work. If it gets too hard, stop. Perseverance is over-rated and things should just be easy. When it all gets too much, just give up. If you are too busy to work on your marketing or business skills then just don’t worry about it. Pull out your guitar and work on that mysterious fourth chord you’ve heard about. If you are tired when you come home from work, don’t waste time working on your website or on a newsletter for your fans, go to the pub and relax. After all, no-one works as hard as you so why not enjoy life a little. The work will still be there tomorrow, do it later. Remember that perseverance may pay off in the long term but procrastination pays off now!
This factor alone will help you to fail very quickly so I highly recommend it.

7. Sort out who’s to blame for your failure.
This one is pretty easy but it’s vital. You don’t ever want people to think that you failed because of your own lack of effort. You want people to know who is really to blame. Here’s a few to keep handy.
The global financial crisis, the neo-cons, the greedy record companies, the lazy fans, file sharing sites, the other stupid musicians in your band, global warming, poker machines, random breath testing, fire laws, skinflint fans who won’t buy your music, the people who gave you all that wrong advice, the banks who won’t invest in you, your Mother for bringing you into this God-forsaken world anyway, MTV, AIDS, bird flu, the Ozone layer and of course Y2K.

Don’t get caught short here, you will fail and you will need someone to blame. It couldn’t possibly be your fault, could it? After all, you’ve been sitting in your bedroom for years now and those damn record companies still haven’t knocked on your door.

I hope this short article brings you closer to the failure you so actively seek. I’d like to think I played some small part in it. Let me know if it helped you fail just a bit quicker and I’ll consider myself to be a success.

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